LIFE CHANGES

Okay in about 10 hours it will be exactly 8 years ago that my life changed as I had come to take advantage of, one day you are there doing your thing and suddenly the carpet gets pulled out from underneath you and it changes your life and puts you on a whole new course. Eight years ago on October 17, 2000 approx. 2:30 a.m. Spenser was diagnosed with Severe Aplastic Anemia. That was the first day of life, out of control. Because of course I thought I HAD control, my first mistake.

The next year and a half were to say the least an interesting learning experience. To say the worst, a living hell. I don't mean to sound selfish, but between regular scheduled office visits to Primary Children's Hospital, emergency visits to Logan and Primary hospitals, helicopter, ambulance and driving as fast as I could in the fog to the hospital. Constant worry that any germ could make Spenser sick, constant worry about blood counts, drawing blood, becoming a pseudo nurse and still wondering if and how this is affecting the rest of the family attending football and basketball games. Parent teacher conferences, working, making sure bills were getting paid. Making sure the house was clean, the clothes were clean. Making sure Spenser was feeling as normal as she could. Hospital stays, attempts at immune suppression to restart her bone marrow, the chemo the radiation the hair falling out and her brushing it out to give as Christmas gifts. Christmas for the girls, birthdays, anniversaries, dancing, tryouts, homework, making the team, school, everyday girl stuff. The sores and worries of Spenser must have had (we were both trying to be brave for each other). The operations, the cultures, the ICU, insurance, the meds, these are just a few of the things that could really stress a person out, especially for someone who thought her life was in control.

At the same time, what an experience for my family, I mean really how many of you know a teenage girl that would spend her Saturday nights week after week with their baby sister in the hospital, because she was getting a emergency transfusion. Well I happen to know two of them, they are the most amazing girls anyone could ask for. Anyone would be lucky enough to have one but somehow I managed to get THREE wonderful and beautiful girls.

I have to say that my life isn't exactly where I thought it would be 10 years ago. But, and sometimes I feel really guilty about thinking it is good. I really don't have to many complaints, I mean really everybody has LIFE happen to them, overall my life is pretty damn good. I never expected to be happy again, I really thought my life was over when Spenser passed away I at times thought that I wouldn't be able to go on. It isn't natural to have children pass away before you do. But I still had Kirsten and Courteney, Todd and even myself to take care of, we were still trying to cope with such a loss.

I have to say that not a day goes by that I don't think of something Spenser would have said or done. She is still a big part of my life. I miss her, so much sometimes it hurts. But I now know that she isn't hurting anymore.

Who would have thought that both Todd and I would be working at Harris and not only that working right next to each other, riding together almost everyday (thanks to gas being so high). Sometimes the drive, well I am not going to lie is just to much for either of us to handle. Luckily at night we both have separate floors to be on.
So basically the moral of this long story is - even though it isn't how I thought my life would be, and I miss Spenser so much...it still is a good life and I am thankful.